My last breath
by Marenda
Summary: Dave get's fired and when he returns home he makes a decision. A painful decision. finished
1. Prologue

Post: Blood, sugar, sex, magic.

AN: I know Dave said that he had a kid to support, but in my fic he hasn't got any okay? If you don't agree, well… HA! He still hasn't got a kid! Hey, it's MY fic!

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**Prologue**

Dave had stormed off from the ER. He didn't need this, or them. He needed himself, to be healthy and working… Working. He smirked from the word. It'll be easy to find a new job, away from that horrible bitch Kerry. He should be happy.

Dave took his bike and drove home. While driving he looked straight ahead, not distracted by the things around him on the streets. He usually looked at the people, and thought quite good of himself. He hadn't turn out on the streets, he'd managed to getting into college in Grenada and becoming a doctor. Which, of course, all people doubted he would.

He got to his flat and looked up at the large building. It looked quite filthy. Some windows on the ground floor were scattered and taped shut, the gangs in the neighbourhood liked to thrash the place. There were a lot of gangs lately, last week he woke up in the middle of the night when they had broken into one of the lowest apartments. Luckily no one dared to live in them.

Dave stayed outside a while, lighting up a cigarette. But when he was halfway the thing it started to rain softly. Dave didn't mind, he wouldn't get soaked much, he would go in when it would become serious and he had to get out there in a rubber boat. He finally decided his smoke was finished and threw the burned cigarette on the ground into a puddle of water that had been left there from the rain last night.

He crawled up the crooked steps of the stairs, half of them where stained and coloured differently than what they used to be. Some of the wallpaper had been pulled off and showed the grey concrete underneath it. Dave also pulled his bike with him, no way was he going to put it in the garage on the back of the building, it would definitely be stolen.

He finally entered his apartment and put his bike inside. When he entered his kitchen he started to look for some food, but the only thing he found was some pieces of an old pizza inside of his refrigerator. He'd build up a big appetite so he would eat anything. The pizza was snatched quickly and put into the microwave. After some minutes he sat on his couch eating his small dinner and turning on his television. He turned it off quickly after he'd finished eating. Now he was out of a job he wouldn't be able to pay for electricity much. His heart sunk at this thought. No more extras until he had found another job.


	2. My last breath

Post: Blood, sugar, sex, magic.

NA: The song used in this part is from Evanescence and is called of course 'My last breath'.

And I've double checked my fic after I got a review from someone (the she devil) about an error about Dave's son being mentioned in this fic. Sorry about that, I thought I had deleted that sentence. Anyway, it's all clear now, enjoy!

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**My last breath**

Dave put his empty plate on the small coffee table and sunk back on the couch. It had been his own fault, he knew it, there was no way denying it. He'd acted too reckless and now he was paying the price. He wanted to blame Kerry, it was all her fault. Kerry had made the decision on firing him. But then again, he'd jumped into that rig with that woman.

He swallowed hard, it had been all his fault. Even that Marfan's case was his fault. He didn't look at the X-ray close enough. He'd given Chen the green light. Oh God, he thought. Jing-mei.

_hold__ on to me love  
you know I can't stay long_

He never wanted to hurt her, not now, not ever. He'd made her life miserable every time he'd seen her in the ER. Making mocking remarks and shoving patients her way. Why couldn't he just stop that? Drop the macho act? Everyday he said to himself he'd never do it again. He would change his life, but every time he kept his wall up, so no one could see him.

_all__ I wanted to say was I love you   
and I'm not afraid_

Every time he'd see her, those beautiful eyes. If something could melt him it would be her eyes. Her skin was soft as silk and all he wanted was to touch it and keep her close. To stroke her gorgeous hair and kiss her soft lips. But all he got was a sneer and a threatening look. He knew it was natural for her to be this way toward him, he'd been this way toward her.

_can__ you hear me?  
can you feel me in your arms?_

All he wanted, was to just be with her. Outside the ER. He'd be different... maybe… He hoped so, he hadn't really been talking to anyone lately, and he meant really talk. Man to man, or man to woman. No real conversations, sane conversations, except for the business talk inside the ER.

_holding__ my last breath  
safe inside myself_

Hi, how is your day? Are you feeling okay? Need any help? The only questions he got were different. Often involved being asked if he wanted something shoved up his… yeah, like he didn't have enough problems already. He'd wake up, get out of bed, put on his smile. Going to work, get shouted at by Kerry. Swallowing every bitter look they gave him. It wouldn't get to him, he promised himself, one day they won't, I'll just have to get through it today. He'd get through it alright. But it seemed to eat him alive. Everyday pretending to be in a super good mood. It put him on a distance, from all the hurt. They never hurt him, they hurt the Dr. Dave, he was somewhere else. Where they couldn't see him.

_are__ all my thoughts of you  
sweet raptured light it ends here tonight_

It had taken it's toll. He had walked past every chance of being nice to Jing-mei. The woman who he, maybe only, loved. The word hurt him, somehow. Did he know what love was? He'd never felt it before, at least that is what he assumed. No one really let him love them, maybe the girls he slept with after a party. No, he thought, they loved the Dr. Dave. The macho, the ladies man. He wasn't that, he was different. Why couldn't anyone see that? They all guessed wrong. Hell, they all guessed how he was, did anyone ask him?

_I'll miss the winter  
a world of fragile things_

He looked to his right side. To the phone. What if he told Jing-mei? What if she knew? What if he'd told her, instead of her just guessing? He picked up the phone and started dialling her number. He'd once looked for her number in her file, just to call. But he'd never picked up the phone and really call her. Maybe he could tell her today. The phone rang once… twice… The third time made him wonder what he was planning to say. His heart skipped a beat and he gasped silently when Jing-mei picked u the phone.

"Yes?" She said. Dave started to melt on the other line. He tried opening his mouth to say something. But nothing came out, not even a little sound. "Hello?" She became impatient. "Who's there?"

_look__ for me in the white forest  
hiding in a hollow tree (come find me)_

Dave quickly hung up the phone and stood up from the couch. He ran to the bathroom and let his pizza come out in his toilet. He leaned backwards when his stomach was empty and flushed. Why had he even called? Like he would just spill out what was bothering him to Jing-mei. He never told anyone anything. Not after he found out how much they could hurt you when you trust them even a little bit. They would take you down.

Dave leaned his back to the edge of his bathtub and stared into space. There he was, just as his father had predicted.

Alone…

He could still recall his bruises. From all the kicking and the hitting. His father was always drunk and always pretty mad at him. He didn't know what he had done wrong, everything seemed to lead to getting hit by his father, while he lay on the ground pleading for mercy. You're nothing, you can't even get into an American Medical school! He'd heard his father say. Shouldn't a father be proud of his son even getting into Med.School? Not his… Never his father.

_I know you hear me  
I can taste it in your tears_

Dave whipped the remaining dinner off of his chin and stood up. Why me? He asked his reflection. I get all the bad stuff, the shouting from Kerry, the punches from my dad, the cold stares from Jing-mei. He put his head down and threw some water in his face._   
_"I ain't bad." He said trying to convince himself. But his solid grown up voice ended in a soft sob of a twelve year old boy, bruised from his father. He wanted to be different, kind like Carter, wise like Corday. Hell, he would even trade his life with Romano, at least no one talked bad back to him.

Then the thought came to him, it would all end if… He walked to his kitchen and pulled something out of a drawer. When he put it up he saw his reflection in the blade. Dave slowly walked through his apartment, looking for a pen and something to write on. He found his notepad he carried with him around the ER and grabbed a pen from his desk. The knife felt heavy in his hands, suddenly a normal kitchen knife would have so much more meaning. He placed it above his notepad and started writing. After ten minutes, and six version of the note, he folded it and put it in an envelope he found somewhere in a drawer. He grabbed the pen once more and wrote 'To Jing-mei Chen' on it.

_holding__ my last breath  
safe inside myself_

He went to his bedroom, with the letter and the knife. He put the letter next to his alarm clock and sat down on the bed, then put the blade on his wrist, but didn't cut it. So, what's next? He thought. He would be sitting here, bleeding to death and it'll hurt like hell. He suddenly stood up and walked back to his bathroom where he opened the medicine cabinet. He'd seen so many suicide attempts in the ER, they all said they didn't think it would've hurt this bad. He grabbed the sleeping pills and emptied the bottle on his hand. One, two… eight…He counted the tablets fast. Twelve pills. He put them in his mouth, tree at a time. He quickly poured some water after it and closed the cabinet. Once more he was looking at his reflection.

"They won't get to me anymore," He said to his reflection. He looked weak, hurt by everything, anyone. "It'll end."

_are__ all my thoughts of you  
sweet raptured light it ends here tonight_

He sat down and put the blade on his wrist. He put pressure on the tip of the knife and slid it slowly down his wrist. Kids in his hospital never did it right, you had to cut the veins real good, or you won't bleed enough and you'll get massive scars. He never knew his medical training would help him one day. Not like this.

He saw the blood coming out of his cut real quick. He put the knife in his other hand and put the blade on his other wrist. Oh God! This was hurting so bad, why did he do this? No he thought, I'm not backing out of this one. I've tried too many times, this would be the final. This would be a success, first one in my life.

He leaned back to the tub and finished his cut. Then the knife hit the stone wall hard when he threw it to the side. The blood started to come faster and faster making a mess on the ground and on his jeans. It's all going to be alright, it's going to end now, he told himself over and over before the pills kicked in.

_closing__ your eyes to disappear  
you pray your dreams will leave you here_

"Dave?" He looked to his right side and saw Kerry standing next to him in the Trauma room. "That was a good save." Dave's eyes widened._   
_"You sure?" He asked and Kerry nodded. _  
_ "You are by far the best doctor County General has ever had." Kerry said, now being backed up by Elizabeth and Peter, both nodding. Dave walked out of the trauma room and all the staff stood there, one by one, giving him compliments. "Good job Dave." Carter said and Dave continued walking. _  
_"Dave," He heard a familiar voice and turned around. Jing-mei Chen walked up to him and leaned in close.

_but__ still you wake and know the truth  
no one's there_

Dave bend down to her and they kissed passionate. She threw her arms around him and he lifted her by her waist, holding her close to him. When they broke apart he was greeted by Jing-mei's loving eyes. _  
_"Dave, I love you." She said with tears in her eyes. "I…" Dave put his finger on her mouth to let her stop talking._   
_"I know," He said and looked loving into her eyes. "I love you too." _  
  
_

_Say__ goodnight  
Don't be afraid_

"Dave?" Jing-mei knocked the door but didn't get any response from inside. She'd searched for his address and came to see him after her shift had ended. Kerry really did it now, she'd fired Dave. I wished she hadn't, Dave was so desperately wanting to be a doctor. Jing-mei tried to knock harder, but still no response. A neighbour of Dave walked past her on the stairs and took one quick look at the woman.

"If you want to enter, just turn and push, the locks aren't great in here." Jing-mei smiled a second at the old black lady. Why did she gave Jing-mei this information, what if she was a burglar? She brushed it off and followed the old lady's advise. She turned and pushed. Like a miracle the door opened suddenly.

"Dave?" Jing-mei continued to call around the apartment. She closed the door behind and started looking for Dave. She headed to the bathroom when she saw light inside. "Oh my God, Dave!" She yelled as she saw the lifeless body, covered in blood.

_Calling__ me,  
Calling me,_

"Dave!" She yelled shaking his shoulder. "What did you do?!" She looked down at the cuts in the inside of his wrists. "God…" Her voice trailed off and she turned her head away from Dave for a second, fighting the nausea. She stood up and grabbed some towels to stop the bleeding. After wrapping them around Dave's wrists, she grabbed in her pocket and pulled out a cellphone.

_As you fade to black.  
__Say__ goodnight_

She dialled 911. "911, what is your emergency?" The voice on the other line asked. "He… he slid his wrists!" Jing-mei thought she would be much more brave and clear when she would have to call 911, but all she did was screaming out in hysteria. She gave the woman the address of Dave's apartment when she asked.

_Holding my last breath (don't be afraid)  
Safe inside myself (calling me,calling me)_

"Dave, they are on their way," She said pleading into Dave's ear, keeping pressure on his cuts. "Hold on." Dave's pale face fell on her shoulder when she grabbed his wrists. He looked almost dead and Jing-mei hoped she wasn't too late. She hadn't notice until now that her tears had already been flowing uncontrollingly, down her cheeks, now on Dave's head.

"Don't do this to me!" She cried starting to shudder from her tears. The crying echoed through the bathroom walls as Jing-mei pulled Dave closer to her. He started to turn colder and he looked more and more lifeless. "Don't do this." She cried one more time, not louder than Dave could hear. "Please, please, please…" She repeated holding him, rocking him softly.

_Are all my thoughts of you   
Sweet raptured light, It ends here tonight._


	3. Epilogue

Post: Blood, sugar, sex, magic.

NA: Thank you for all your reviews. This is the (possibly) the last part of the story so enjoy!

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**Epilogue**

The ambulance came and rushed up the stairs. Jing-mei had to let go of Dave so he could be put on the gurney. The paramedics checked his pulse and found a weak one, he was barely alive. Jing-mei nodded when the paramedic asked if she wanted to ride with them.

He looked so pale, Jing-mei thought looking at Dave being dragged down the stairs. She hoped he would survive, but she started to doubt a little. NO! Don't you think that Jing-mei, he will survive! She told herself while she sat down in the ambulance.

"What've we got?" Kerry commanded when the trauma came in. Her eyes were caught by that of Jing-mei's. "Chen?" She said distracted. Then she looked at the man that lay on the gurney. "Oh my god, Malucci!"

Mark turned around when he heard the name. "Malucci?!" He ran towards the gurney and looked at the patient. One of the paramedics were bagging him, but through the plastic he could clearly recognize the face of his former colleague. "What happened?!" He yelled at Jing-mei who was running with them.

"I- I found him like this in his apartment!" She said with a weak voice. The tears were still flowing over her cheeks. The gurney entered the first trauma room and all the nurses started running around Dave, hooking him up to all the monitors. Then he was lifted on the other bed.

"Sats are 82." Haleh said and Kerry started intubating. Jing-mei was still standing next to Dave, but was quickly pushed away by Mark. "Chen, please go wait outside, you can't help in here." She refused but Haleh took her out of the room.

"What is his blood type?" Kerry screamed through the room. "A-positive." Chuny answered. She'd asked him one time the blood bank had run low on O-neg and she needed more blood for a trauma.

"Get me five units of A-positive!" Kerry responded and continued looking at the cuts in Dave's wrists. "Why did he do this?" She thought out loud, but no one answered her. Chuny returned with the bags of A-positive and started a blood transfusion.

Dave, Jing-mei pleaded, looking from outside into the trauma room. Some other nurses and doctors also looked into the trauma room after they heard it was Malucci. "Oh my god," Dr. Corday stood next to her and her blood ran out of her face when she saw Dave lying on the gurney. "It is…" Corday's voice trailed off and she looked at Jing-mei who was about to break down.

"It's my fault," Jing-mei whispered in a shaking voice. Elizabeth's eyes grew wide. "I should've been nicer to him, maybe he…" More tears rushed down her face while Elizabeth put a hand on her shoulder. "It isn't your fault." She whispered back.

"He's in V-fib!" Chuny screamed, the transfusion should've helped. Kerry and Mark had managed to slow down the bleeding from his wrists, but he'd lost a lot of blood. Mark started doing compressions and ordered an amp of epi. "Charge to thirty," Kerry said grabbing the pedals. "Clear!" All the hands were pulled off the bed and Kerry put the pedals on Dave's chest.

Jing-mei felt a stabbing pain through her heart when she saw his chest jump up from the shock. Dave! Don't go! She screamed inside and let out a soft cry. Don't do this!

"Charge to two hundred," Kerry repeated while they pushed another epi. "Clear!" Dave's heart still didn't respond. "How long is he in V-fib?" Mark asked still doing compressions. Kerry charged another time and took one quick glance at the clock. "Eleven minutes." She said before she shocked him another time.

"Kerry…" Mark looked at her from on top of Dave's chest. Kerry looked at Mark and knew what he meant. She shook her head violently. "I'm not giving up on him, not this time." The ending of her sentence was almost as a whisper and she looked at Dave's face while she said it. Come on Dave, you can bug me for the rest of my life, but don't die on me now!

"Kerry!" Mark shouted at her. She came back to reality and looked at Mark. "Stop it! It's been too long, even if you get his rhythm back, he will be brain dead." Kerry held up her pedals, but didn't put them down on Dave's chest. Her face was as pale as a ghost. Mark stopped compressions and took a step back from the bed.

"Asystole." Chuny said soft, they barely heard her. The monitor let out a continuous beep and showed a flat line. Kerry slowly put her pedals down and stared at Dave's body. Mark turned his head to look at the clock.

"Time of death: 23:04."

The doors to the room burst open and Jing-mei ran to the bed. "Jing-mei," Mark said startled. "We…" Jing-mei stopped and looked at Dave's lifeless face. The floor was full of bandages, soaked in Dave's blood. She slowly walked closer to the bed and started shaking her head.

"No, no… Dave…" Her voice trailed off and she tried to swallow her cries. She slowly caressed his face and started sobbing hard. Jing-mei pushed her face to his chest. "Don't leave me here, Dave!" She sobbed to his body. "I can't live without you, please don't leave me, get back here!" Her sobs became harder and merged together with her words. "Dave, I love you…" She finally whispered and closed her eyes to his chest. "I love you."


	4. Epilogue two

Post: Blood, sugar, sex, magic.

NA: Okay, definitely the last part!!!

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**Epilogue 2**

She didn't know how long she held him. Maybe hours. Kerry had told her to go home, but she refused. She wanted to hold him as long as she could, she wouldn't let him go. Finally she'd been send away by the nurses and she stood outside the ER.

"Are you alright?" Kerry asked Jing-mei as she joined her outside. She didn't look at Kerry, instead she just stared into the darkness. There was an awkward silence between them, but finally, Jing-mei spoke: "I can't believe…" She paused a second, fighting to keep her tears for herself. Then she continued. "I can't believe he would ever do such a thing." She kept her eyes away from Kerry.

"Me neither." Kerry whispered. Jing-mei put her hands in her pocket and smirked. "He told me, a few hours ago," She paused and sighed. She continued with more tears in her voice. "That all he'd ever been good at, was being a doctor." Jing-mei looked at Kerry from the corner of her eyes and then started walking away from the hospital. Kerry knew that it was directed at her. She'd fired Dave, she knew this was his dream and she wrecked it for him. No, she thought, I'm not responsible for Dave's choices.

Jing-mei wanted to go home, but when she got there she didn't found home. She was just walking around restless. Her heart ached and every time she tried to sleep, his face popped up in her head. Finally she stood up and took her coat. I can't stand this place anymore, she thought.

A half an hour later she stood in front of his apartment. The door was closed and she pushed it open like she did some hours ago. It seemed strange, being there when he wasn't. She slowly walked through his house, avoiding his bathroom. A few minutes later she entered his bedroom. The covers of his bed were pulled back, like someone had just stepped out of it. She approached it and sat down on the edge of it. Then her eyes caught a glimpse of an envelope. With her name on it.

She grabbed it and stared at it for a moment. Did he wrote this? Just before he committed suicide? She stroke her fingers over her name, trying to see him writing it. She opened the envelope with a sigh and found inside of it a piece of his notepad. Almost every inch of the paper was written full of his writing, like he had to tell her so much things. She took a deep breath and started reading.

_Dear Jing-mei,_

_When you read this, I guess I've done it. I'm gone. But please don't feel sorry for me, or whatever you feel. I've made my decision and I think I'm glad I've finally did it. It has been on my mind for too long, and I just wanted to get it over with. Don't be mad at Weaver for firing me, she did what was right for the hospital. Let's face it, I was a screw up. I made too many mistakes, something I don't like admitting. I just wanted it so bad, just to be the hero, so everyone would say something nice… For once._

_And I guess I wanted to show you, that I can handle something. But I've screwed it up, I tried so many times to be nice to you… But I just can't say what I want to say to you. Now is my chance right?_

_I love you Jing-mei. So much! You're my first thought every morning, and my last in the evening. I love you so much that it hurts, and god how it hurts. I hope you can understand. What I'm feeling for you. You're the only thing that kept me alive for the past few months. After that Marfan case, I hurt you so bad, and I didn't mean to. I never meant to hurt you. And don't be afraid, I never will, not anymore._

_I love you,_

_Dave._

Jing-mei finished reading and a new flow of tears came rushing out of her eyes. No, she thought. Dave, why did you do this?! She lay down in Dave's bed and pulled the covers over her. She took a deep breath and smelled Dave's scent in the covers.

"Dave…" She cried softly. "I love you too."

**The end**

AN: Sorry, I know how much you screamed at me in the reviews to let him live, but I was already planning on killing him when I began writing this fic. Sorry!


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